Paul is Right

Candy Bar Reviews

2007-10-10T23:57:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been almost 3 years since the last Paul is Right blog, and it's time for me to spread some more truth. Round 2 - Candy Bar Reviews!

Hershey’s Chocolate Bar – 2/10

OK, as plain as it gets. I’m pretty sure this chocolate bar is useless except for smores. MMMMmmmm. Smores. Anyway, this chocolate bar puts me to sleep. Some people count sheep, I just eat this plain boring candy bar.

Mr. Goodbar – 9/10

First of all, props to Hershey’s on the name. Some marketing group THIS company has. While the name itself may be uninventive, this candy bar is one of Hershey’s best. What makes the peanuts so delicious is that they are partially blended -- not whole peanuts! This makes every bite have the perfect 5:3 ratio of chocolate to peanut. Scientifically tested, Paul approved!

Kracklin – 9/10

Kracklin has got to be the most underrated candy bar in today’s market. Unfortunately, they are just overshadowed by Crunch bars. The candy bar literally “krackles” in your mouth. I don’t even know what that means, but it’s awesome. Not to be confused with the Cracken from Pirates of the Caribbean. But that WOULD be an interesting chocolate to try…

Butterfinger – 3/10

I know what most of you are thinking. “Paul, Butterfingers are delicious. They have peanut butter wafers that are pleasing to my taste buds.” You would be wrong. First of all, Butterfinger residue sticks to your teeth worse than anything in the world except for Milk Duds. And don’t get me started on Milk Duds. I’d rather go to the dentist and watch The View while getting a route canal.

3 Musketeers – 4/10

So we have another candy bar with a nonsensical name. I read the 3 Musketeers abridged version in 4th grade, and the sword fighting rebels never invented a subpar candy bar like this one in existence today. Furthermore, even if the 3 Musketeers ate candy bars in real life, I’m pretty sure they’d rather eat Mr. Goodbars. Who wouldn’t? 3 Musketeers bars suck.

100 Grand Bar – 10/10

OK, the 3 Musketeers would really eat these candy bars. They might be the best candy bars available. God bless the man who one day asked “how can I take a Kracklin bar and make it better?” Then truth hit the man like a storm, and it answered, “Carmel, add carmel to the Kracklin bar.” That’s how it really happened. Wikipedia told me.

Pay Day – 4/10

Peanuts good, carmel good, Pay Day nasty crap. First of all, this candy bar just tastes like salt to me. Salt is good when used in decent proportion, but Pay Days taste like some horrible idea from a salt company that didn’t know what to do with all their salt. I like your salt on my mashed potatoes, salt company, but keep it away from my candy bar!

Bit o’ Honey – 1/10

Ugh, I want to hurl just thinking about these. First of all, the packaging from circa 1900 sucks. Secondly, these stick to your teeth almost as bad as Milk Duds. Thirdly, they taste like honey, and honey does not really taste that good. Many of you are deceived by thinking honey is sweet and good, but I never touch the stuff. Just look how honey is made: “In the hive the bees use their "honey stomachs" to ingest and regurgitate the nectar a number of times until it is partially digested.” Ugh, how about we make a candy bar out of a cow’s cud? That’d be equally awesome as honey.

Rolos – 7/10

Rolos are like Milk Duds gone right. Rolos have a unique circleoid shape and come in a roll. Talk about fashion leaders, not followers. How many cylindrical chocolate caramel delicacies come in rolls? That’s what I thought. R-O-L-O-S spells relief…for my candy bar hunger.

O Henry – 8/10

O Henry bars are just awesome. They come in little segmented pieces that if you’re a wimp you can bite in half, or if you’re a manly man, you eat in one bite. If my memory serves correctly, the O Henry bar has layers on the inside, consisting of peanuts and carmel fudge. You could probably get me to do anything by waving one of these bad boys across my face. Just don’t take video of what you make me do, they could end up on Youtube.

Mounds – 5/10

Mounds are OK. They have coconut, which is a HUGE plus, coconut is awesome. The Mounds bar fails to meet my expectations because the outside coating is made from semi-sweet chocolate. If I’m buying a candy bar, do I want it to be semi-sweet, or do I want it to be awesome? If I wanted something semi-sweet, maybe I’d eat Frosted Mini Wheats.

Almond Joy – 7/10

Almond Joys are marginally better than Mounds. Unfortunately, the name is an oxymoron. It implies that almonds cause joy. This is simply incorrect. The coconut on the inside is what causes me joy when I eat these. Secondly, they have a milk chocolate coating, making it instantly better than Mounds. Sometimes I pick the almond out of these, but sometimes I just feel lazy and force myself to eat the almond.

Milk Duds – 3/10

Milk Duds sometimes give me nightmares. These little oddly shaped spheres look good, sound good, and initially taste good, but leave me crying and depressed. The carmel tastes good when the flavor impacts my taste buds, but then all this sticky goo stays on my teeth until I brush my teeth again, but that’s gross too cause then you get all this goo on your toothbrush. That’s when I borrow my wife’s toothbrush.

Kit Kat – 6/10

These little wafers are OK. They get the job done, but they don’t exactly stand out as overall competitors. Now what was good, were those Big Kit Kats, which I always called Fat Kats. Why they couldn’t come up with a name like mine is exactly why the Kit Kats aren’t that good. They just aren’t as smart as me, and they lack my dashing good looks.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup – 8/10

These little cups are filled with peanut butter. Another awesome name. The first time I ate one, I was like “woah, why are these little things in muffin paper?” It turns out kinda cool though; it gives the ripple texture on the outside. The commercials say there’s no wrong way to eat a Reese’s, but I disagree. It’s wrong to eat them at all if you are passing up a perfectly good
100 Grand bar.

Raisinets – 1/10

These are gross. Raisins are old dried out grapes. Old dried out grapes are nasty. Ergo, Raisinets are nasty because they have raisins. Call me when they decide to change my recipe and take raisins out of it.

Sno-Caps – 6/10

A good name for once. The little candy perils look like chocolate hills covered with snow. The little mini ones from the theater are a pain to eat, the truly good ones are the humungous ones. The ones that you actually have to bite and chew. Sno-Caps are very good if you are craving little candy perils that look like chocolate hills covered with snow.

Snickers – 10/10

Ahh, the Babe Ruth of Snickers. They hit a home run in my mouth every time I put one in there. Snickers are better than possibly anything else in the world. I could have my arm shot off by a bazooka, and I would just reach back with my other arm, and eat a Snickers. It would provide me at least 15 seconds of relief while eating this peanut, nougat, carmel, chocolate heavenly delight.

Reese’s Pieces – 10/10

Firstly, shame on all of you who pronounce it like “Reesee’s Peesees.” There are lots of you out there. I wish you all death. The Reese’s Pieces are awesome, despite being in the most overrated movie of all-time, E.T. Tell you what though, E.T. was one smart dude. I would follow a trail of Reese’s Pieces into the depths of hell. These things beat out M&M’s by a fair margin, and definitely win the Paul Lehman Peanut Butter Piece Candy Bar-ish Food of the Year award. They have won it every year since 2007.

So at this point, I realize that I’ve typed 4 pages worth on candy bars and I haven’t even mentioned M&M’s until here. I should be shot where I stand. M&M’s are all around divine. I’m pretty sure when I reach heaven, God will have a big bowl of peanut butter M&M’s waiting for me. I mean, it just wouldn’t be heaven without them, right? The amazing thing about M&M’s is that every single flavor is breath-taking. Plain is one of the four basic food groups and each person needs 11 servings a day to survive. Peanut is great. Peanut butter is the best. The crispy ones were short-lived but amazing. Even the ALMOND ones manage to be good. If you know how to read, you read above how I feel about almonds in my chocolate bars. This is the only place I can make an exception. M&M’s manage to make them eatable, and not only that, but scrumptious. One might even say that all M&M’s are delectable. I know I would say it. I would even type it in a blog.

Well, thanks for joining me on this candy bar journey. The yellow brick road was long, but you were finally able to learn from some of my wisdom and learn that if you are going to eat anything, it better be M&M’s. Anything else would be uncivilized.

Cereal Reviews

2005-01-25T14:26:00.000-08:00

My cereal ratings:

Trix- 7/10

Trix is a pretty good cereal. The little cereal bits are made to look like the fruits they taste like. Innovative and tasty. Probably the most underrated cereal on the market today.

Special K-6/10

Special K probably runs away with the best healthy cereal. Although normally I put sugar on my Special K, so I don't know how that stacks up against the sugary cereals. All I know is that the Special K with Strawberries is great. I would give it the healthy cereal of the year award every year if it was up to me.

Golden Grahams- 4/10

Why eat Golden Grahams when you can just put real graham crackers in milk? That used to be my favorite thing to eat in the morning. Golden Grahams really aren't very sweet, and have subpar taste. This cereal is simply not a classic, and does not deserve to be on ANY good cereals list.

Fruity Pebbles- 10/10

Need I say more? These pebbles are pure delight. Fruity Pebbles will make your life better. These things make my mouth smile, and make my sing songs. It is by far the most delicious cereal ever made. The Flintstones are not necessarily the best spokespeople for it, but that's OK. This cereal speaks for itself. Loudly.

Cocoa Pebbles- 6/10

I remember the first time I ate these. For real. I was really excited, and the tension was hardly bearable. I loved Fruity Pebbles but my mom would never buy Cocoa Pebbles. I spent the night at a friend's house, and they had Cocoa Pebbles. I felt very let down. These were subpar compared to Cocoa Puffs, and I've only had this cereal 5-6 times. It's still good, but doesn't match up to other cocoa cereals.

Corn Flakes- 1/10

I don't care that it was the first cereal ever invented. This cereal sucks. I refuse to eat it.

Honey Bunches of Oats- 7/10

7/10 doesn't speak for ALL of Honey Bunches of Oats. The Almond HBoO deserves a 9/10. It's a spectacular cereal. The honey roasted one or whatever is crap. That gets a 3/10. The strawberry one ain't too bad either. Without Almonds, this group would get a 5. Without Almonds, they deserve to die.

Froot Loops- 5/10

OK, so they tried to be cute by spelling fruit "froot," but I'm not buying it. Not to mention the McKaw parrot or whatever is a real nuisance to watch on the commercials. I would also say that there are not enough flavors. You have the red, orange, yellow, and green loops. But compare that to Trix? Come on. Trix has grape and all the others, and they are shaped like the fruits. These are just plain loops. I would eat Trix over Froot Loops any day of the week.

Reese Puffs- 9/10

Absolutely a masterpiece. Who wouldn't want to eat peanut butter goodness for breakfast. They even have two colored puffs. Brown for the chocolate and orange for the peanut butter. Reese's runs away cleanly with best peanut butter cereal. Purely a wonder.

Total- 4/10

So I'm not really a bran flake lover. I suppose the extra vitamins and crap is a good thing, but the taste is lacking. Severely. Complete Bran Flakes by Kellogg's is much better.

Captain Crunch- 3/10

Overrated people. Overrated. Captain Crunch has bad taste. Also, when you eat it, all the little decomposed powder sticks to the top of your mouth. Then you have to run your tongue over it, and then it all sticks to your tongue. Regular Captain Crunch blows, and everyone knows it.

Quaker Oh's- 8/10

I think I already said another cereal was the most underrated. I changed my mind. It's Quaker Oh's. They are kind of like oversized rice cheerios with a middle that is to die for. Sweet little chunks of whatever are mashed together and put inside the Oh's. Definitely undereaten, and underrated.

Cracklin Oat Bran-10/10

This wins my "Second Favorite Cereal Award." The problem here is value. Cracklin Oat Bran is probably the most expensive cereal. You get a really tiny box, and it's like $5.00. If it's value you are after people, avoid this with all precautionary measures. Now, for the real cereal conoisseurs like myself, this cereal is top notch. It tastes like Oatmeal Cookies. Oatmeal Cookies! What better cereal can you have except for Fruity Pebbles?? We all know the answer. It isn't possible. While Fruity Pebbles is the best kids cereal, if you feel you are too old for those cereals, then this cereal wins "#1 Adult Cereal." Best adult cereal ever made, and there will never be a better adult cereal ever invented. I testify this with all my heart. It won't happen.

Raisen Nut Bran- 2/10

Raisens are nasty. I don't like them. They don't belong in cereal. Only hell.

Cocoa Puffs- 7/10

OK, annoying bird. Granted. But this chocolate cereal is the best one available. No one would argue that. And if you do argue that, then you belong with the raisens.

Smacks- 0/10

So Smacks wins the worst cereal ever. Similarly to Cracklin' Oat Bran but on the other side of the spectrum, Smacks is the worst cereal ever made, and there will never be another cereal to beat it out for worst cereal. A real disappointment to humankind and to General Mills, Post, Kellogg's, or whoever manufactures it.

Rice Krispies- 5/10

Everyone knows why these were invented. They aren't for cereal. They are for Rice Krispies Treats. And RKTs cereal is good, but the classic Krispies are not good but not bad either. Right in the middle at 5/10. The little midgets aren't too fun to watch, and the fact that they are Snap, Crackle, and Pop (onomatopeias of the sound they make in cereal) has geek spelled all over it.

Corn Pops- 3/10

Another oldie. Another no good cereal. Go back to the 50s from whence you came Corn Pops! You have no place here in the 2000s!

Grape Nuts- 6/10

Both the nuts and the flakes. The taste is a little odd. Clearly not grapes. Clearly not nuts. While this would normally bother a person like myself, Grape Nuts have an odd tractor beam that pulls me toward them. Plus, you can eat the classic Grape Nuts warm or cold. Equally as good.

Honeycomb- 2/10

Not very sweet, not crunchy = diasterous cereal. My sister always bought it and liked it. I always made fun of her. I still do.

Cookie Crisp- 5/10

Interestingly enough, this cereal is MUCH better raw than in milk. In milk, it gets soggy, and they aren't crispy enough. Dry this cereal is cool. Plus, the spokespeople are robbers. They are much cooler than a random bird or other animal. Robbers sell people.

Waffle Crisp- 1/10

Joke of the cereal world. Come on. Waffle Crisp??? Are you kidding? A cereal that tastes like waffles.........that person deserves to be shot in the stomach and thrown out at sea.

Apple Jacks- 3/10

Why oh why must you market the fact that they DONT taste like Apples. Then don't call them Apple Jacks you darn fools. Call them Nonapple tasting Jacks for all I care. Can anyone actually fathom why they would call them Apple Jacks. "Hey Fred, I got a great idea for a cereal. We make red and green froot loops speckled with garbage that tastes NOTHING like apples and lets call them Apple Jacks. Then we can market it by saying they DONT taste like Apples!!!!!!! I'm a genious!"

Lucky Charms- 2/10

Marshmellows in cereal aren't really marshmellows. I don't know what they are, but they aren't big and puffy. These marshmellows are like crispy. It just isn't right. And the little puff things aren't any good either.

Chex- 1/10

Chex. I have no reason to not like them. They just aren't good. Not in milk, not with pretzels, not with anything. Where did they get the name for this either? Chex? Little check marks cereal might be a good idea though. Who has Post's phone number?

Cheerios- 2/10

Another classic that is no good. Why do people still buy it? My girlfriend's neighbor feeds them to his crabs, and as far as I'm concerned, Cheerios don't even deserve the crab industry. The frosted cheerios get a 4/10, which is still bad on my scale. Stop making Cheerios and do us all a favor.

OK, so that's my blog for now. I don't know what other reviews I will do later on, but I felt that the American public needed to hear the TRUTH about these cereals. Nowhere else on the Internet will you find such truthful reviews, but my word is gold. I may or may not have given some award to two cereals, but if I did, I don't care. They are co-winners and I rate you a 0/10. Overall I rate cereal a 4/10. I don't eat cereal too often, mainly because most of it isn't too good. Unless it's Fruity Pebbles or Cracklin' Oat Bran. Then I would eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Perhaps I should open a fast food cereal store. It could have a drive-through. At 5:00 AM on the way to work, people could drive up and order cereal drive through. They can come in closable styrofoam bowls with disposable spoons. We can even offer Whole milk, 2%, 1%, and Skim milk. Combo meals can include a banana, orange juice, and toast to make it a complete breakfast. Email or call me if you have a million dollars to start the chain. I promise I will pay you back.

Paul